a sad blog

March 9, 2008

Depressed.
it took a lot of courage for me to actually post this post of mine.the a level results are out, and it aint that good. trust me, it was the biggest blow of my entire life. and it seemed difficult to actually climb back up again.my results are in the grey area. neither here or there. then it comes to think that why is life, why is god so unfair to me. allowing all these to happen to me but not to anyone else. you know how much does it hurt to see other people happily celebrating their results, but me. im no where.and i have no idea where did i go wrong. it is not like i did not put in effort, its not like i did not sacrifice. WHY ME?sigh. its just not fair. i can never figured out why.i hated god for whatever he had done to me. HE NEVER GIVE ME ANYTHING worthy for me to be happy about.my dad, although he's trying hard to comfort me, but i know that deep down inside, he is hurting and disappointed too. i dont want this to happen.everyone did better then me. WHY? surely i deserved better grades then those who slacked their time away RIGHT?its just not fair.gosh. i cant reallycontrol my emotions at this point of time. now i totally can comprehend those people when they describe their experiences as living in a dream. for me, it really felt like living in a dream, and you wish that you can wake up now and stop all this. but it is no dream, it is real.i can literally go bonkers now. i almost broke down on the night of results day. could not think straight, it felt like if i were to jump down from my window, anything can end this suffering of mine.gosh. i dont think i can be happy anymore. i cant even bring myself to smile again.you know what god told me before i collected my results? he said that i cannot go to uni. and he was right. he is DAMN right at saying all the bad things about me. but never right about the good things that can happen to me, if there is any that is.so now everyone can happily apply for a place in uni without a single care in the world, and can sleep in their beds tonight, in PEACE.but please remember that in some corner of spore, there are people that are weeping and going into depression,and all they ask is for their worries to go away and be happy like the rest is.to all those who had did well, or those well enough to be considered potential applicants for university, congrats.god talked to me yesterday, i dont know whether is it true. i was mad at him. shiping said that she was blessed by him. no offence shiping, but i just cant help to think that god had not really blessed me all this while. you were lucky to be blessed by him. me? i still have to be tortured by him for the whole of my life.he told me where my mistake is. he said that yes, you studied hard, and in actual fact, you could have gotten good results based on the efforts that i had put in. but you studied for all the wrong reasons. he said he needed to take this opportunity to wake me up and he needed me to humble myself. i was flipping through the bible and the phrase kept popping up, trust in the lord with all your heart and not lean on your own understanding, in all your paths acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. when he was talking to me, i needed a confirmation, and i was reading and my eyes was on this verse" be completely humble and gentle" and " pride comes before disgrace" maybe it was him. i dont know.but now i know i needed to live my him, not by my own.god once told me that he is hurt to see me in this way, but he has to do this to make me learn.god, all i ask is to get into uni, give me a chance to step in and live by your way, and walk with you. im really humbled now. knowing well that im no good and that others are better then me, i know that you have to let me retake the whole examinations again. and i know that it is the best way for me. but all i ask is to alter this just for once. you said ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find. but please.i know i sounded desperate. but i cannot be the janice that you people used to know anymore. i cant smile now. i have no idea why.and it hurts a lot more to see the picture of me mugging for a levels at shiping's blog but end up screwing it up. and feeling the happy mood from gayne's blog. no offence ladies, but it sucks really.it FELT LIKE A DREAM but i just cant wake up.

I came across this post when i thought i needed some entertainment from internet. It was a post on the blog of my junior from student council. She was seen as a bubbly girl and she stands up for what she believed.So she chose to believe that she worked hard for her exams as well as believing God would give her the strength and all those she needed for the As.


Results show how well one has done and learnt in their pursue of studies, but luck as well as other environmental factors were involved too. So we cannot really attribute to internal attribution and have correspondence biasness- tendency to see other people's behavior as caused by internal factors, even when external factors are present. of her. However, she believed in God that He will give her strength. I guess it's a false hope syndrome, that one repeatedly trys to acheive goals that were unrealistic because they have unrealistic expectation about their likelihood of success.

It could mean that one tries asking God to help when they themselves do not do anything to help themselves (trying to acheive unrealistic goal). She thought that as long as there is faith, she will do well.


It could also be the false consensus effect that she might have that everyone is just as bad as her because of the midterm test. And perhaps the construct of this society is such that we need to score well in the exam so that we don't 'lose our face' when friends asked us about our results, as well as Singapore being an elitist country, surviving in a small country with so many people vying for common jobs. This will hence result in social comparison which would cause relative deprivation where the feeling of anger and resentment would surface when one's outcome is based on comparision with the better-offs. "knowing well that im no good and that others are better then me, i know that you have to let me retake the whole examinations again."

Her belief in God is unwavering but blogging about God talking to her sounds as if, from a bystander's point of view that she might be using God's name to confirm what she had thought to be true and will come true.


"i still have to be tortured by him for the whole of my life.he told me where my mistake is. he said that yes, you studied hard, and in actual fact, you could have gotten good results based on the efforts that i had put in." It can be explained by what social psychology term called, Cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance as referenced from Social Psychology Alive, is the awareness of consonant cognitions makes us feel good, whereas awareness of dissonant cognition motivate us to do something to change our state. What people will normally do to change their cognitive dissonance are, to 1) change their dissonant cognition, 2)change their behaviour, 3) add a consonant, 4) reducing the importnace of dissonant cognition or 5) to increase the importance of consonant cognition.


For her, it would be what we called effort justification, where she will be motivated to 4) change one of the dissonant cognitions or to 5)add consonant cognition.


she thought she worked hard and now her results showed dissonance, The statement she wrote "he told me where my mistake is. he said that yes, you studied hard, and in actual fact, you could have gotten good results based on the efforts that i had put in" showed that she used 5) raising the importance of her consonant cognition.



"but you studied for all the wrong reasons. he said he needed to take this opportunity to wake me up" It could be another reduction of dissonant but she probably have an illusory correlation, where one believes that two variables are related to one another when in fact, they are not. She thought that she didn't do well because of wrong study method, when it could be time management that got her down.



when he was talking to me, i needed a confirmation," Confirmation bias is a tendency to search for or interpret new information in a way that confirms one's preconceptions and avoids information and interpretations which contradict prior beliefs. She didnt look for other sources to contradict her belief in God and that may oppose the meaning of confirmation bias-"tendency to search for and interpret new information". However, she did avoid other sources that contradict her belief......